So today was my first day taking the offertory (the part of a church service where the congregation grudgingly coughs up some change for the collection plate). In addition, it also marked the first time I had to something other than just stand at the pulpit and talk (with great eloquence).
Before the service I had talked things over with my advisor and thought I understood the process:
1) I go and grab the collection plates that are sitting on the altar.
2) I walk down to the chancel to between the pews aisle and hand said plates to the ushers.
3) I then read a "Call to Offertory" which in laypersons' terms means a "plea for cash."
However, much to my bemusement, as I passed the ushers the bowls, one of them says, "You were supposed to say something" to which I replied with my usual articulateness, "Duuuhhh..." and watched them turn around and start handing out the plates.
At this point my advisor interceded on my behalf by standing up and shouting, "Wait! He has something to say!" The ushers then regathered the plate which were already halfway down the first pew and returned to the front so I could give my 30 second spiel and then let them go at it again.
I am happy to report that I was not summarily smitten at any point during the service thereafter so I can only surmise that the Lord took kindly to the "Prayer of Dedication" I read after they returned with the collection plates.
Lord have mercy.
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