Tom Loves the Little Children

No, you freaking pervert. I do not like little children in the Catholic Priest sense. 

I mean instead that this past Sunday I was bestowed with the  job of giving the children's sermon. After having heard horror story after horror story of the misdeeds of the youngsters as they gather around (read: gang up on) their beloved pastor (read: cursed play toy) during this special time (read: absence of God's love) I have actively avoided doing being saddled with the responsibility by demonstrating great eagerness in doing everything else BUT it. 

I am sad to report, however, that the head pastor's father passed away unexpectedly last week and he consequently had to be out of town and would be unable to give his sermon. SOOOO... the assistant pastor had one day to come up with a sermon on a theologically weighty passage and in order to ease her burden I took on the children's sermon.

The experience went smashingly well, mainly because we did not allow the children to come to the front to abuse me in ways that only small children can. Rather I walked down the center aisle and addressed with the safety of a few feet of wooden pews between us. 

The sermon itself made use of what I call "pastoral fiction." Basically, I made up a story to make a point. Here is text:

This morning I want to tell you about my Aunt Gladys. My Aunt Gladys was a tiny woman, about this big, had big round glasses like this and she always had a big frown on her face. Have you ever seen an iguana? Yeah, she kinda looked like that. Aunt Gladys lived out of state so I didn’t see her much. But EVERY Thanksgiving she came to our house for Thanksgiving dinner. And on the night before EVERY Thanksgiving I used to get down on my knees next to my bed and I would pray. I would say, “God I thank you for my family. I thank you for giving me Thursday and Friday OFF from school. I thank you for all the yummy food I’m going to get to eat tomorrow. Oh, and God, I have a request. Please, please, please don’t let Aunt Gladys sit next to me tomorrow.”

You see Aunt Gladys was like the Grinch who stole Thanksgiving. "Tommy sit up straight. Tommy, straighten your tie. Tommy, don’t eat so fast. Tommy, don’t talk with your mouthful. Tommy, eat your vegetables."

I was thankful for many things, but not for Aunt Gladys. What I didn’t understand was that Aunt Gladys loved me. She loved me soooooo soooooo much that she wanted me to grow up to be polit and have good manners. I'm not sure if she was too successful, though.

Maybe some of you have relatives like my Aunt Gladys and I know it may be very, very, very hard, but lets try to thankful for them this year. This Thanksgiving when we say our prayers, let’s thank God for loving relatives like Aunt Gladys. Wanna practice? Let’s try:

“Dear God. Thanks you so much for our families. Thanks you so much for all the yummy food we are going to get to eat on Thanksgiving. Thank you for giving us Thursday and Friday off from school. That's pretty cool god. And God, thank you also for relatives like Aunt Gladys who love us even though its sometimes hard to see. AMEN.” 

I thought the name Gladys would signal to the non-adolescent members of my church that the story was made up, but the comments I received afterward would indicate otherwise and make me feel like a liar.

I was also informed during the passing of the peace directly after that in this neck of the woods they pronounce it "ont" and not "ant."

I dun reckon these is mighty fancy folk.

Sermon

After many hours of writing, practice, and prayer, I at last had the opportunity to preach my first sermon to the congregation at the church where I'm interning - just a few hours ago in fact. The sermon was a beefed up and sexyified remake of the social gospel sermon I posted about a month ago. What I intended for it to be was an affirmation of the church's social outreach and a call to further action. I am left now only to hope that that's how it went over. All in all I suppose the the delivery and response wasn't too bad – we laughed, we cried, and only one person fell asleep. 

But now thinking it over, how absurd is it that a young preacher (50 years younger than the average parishioner) would pick a verse from one of the most provocative books in the Bible (Isaiah) and more or less tell people they need to get off their arses and do something for other people? Though of course it was not couched in those terms exactly, it is still a fairly audacious thing to do. And I did it and am now have mixed feelings over it. No one seemed outrightly offended. There remains, I guess, the distinct possibility that they weren't listening. 

Time will make their opinion known, I can be sure at very least of that. It usually takes about a week of ringing phones and commentary (a.k.a. gossip)  for a general consensus to be made in any congregation. Come next Sunday, if I am still allowed back, I will know I have a favorable verdict. 

Here's hoping.

Preach it!

My God, my God, my God is good.

This week brought with it the first day in a long long series of days (2,847) where I can truly say I am proud to be an American.

Regardless of your party affiliation, President Obama knows how to give a nice little speech.

Let us observe greatness:



AMEN.

UCC Conference

This past weekend I attended a statewide conference of the UCC in Worcester (pronounced: WUSS • tah), MA. It was indeed an excellent opportunity to see the inner workings of my denomination and get a grasp of the denominational move toward a process of "congregational discernment" for decision making (as opposed to using the Robert's Rules of Order), but it also left me a little bit anxious about the future of the church. 

You see, of the 600 some people gathered in that sacred space, I was the youngest by about 40 years. In fact, in the keynote address on the first evening, the speaker posed the following question to the crowd: 

"Did your children ever watch that television show Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"

!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

No!!!! I MYSELF watched the show and owned and played with a great many of their action figures, thank you very much.

If the crowd had been more honest, however, I would not have been alone in my negative response. Given the demographics of the audience I would suspect that most of their children grew up watching Andy Griffith in black and white and that their GRANDCHILDREN were the ones who watched TMNT. 

That just goes to show that you can't trust church folk.

All joking aside, the question of where all the young folk have gone is a big concern for the church. I part from Palin and McCain considerably and maintain that this conspicuous absence has naught to do with homosexuality or a timetable for leaving Iraq. I think I would actually argue the opposite: that the religious right's conflation of politics and nationalism with Christian values and identity has created for most people my age a perception of Christianity as an out-of-touch ideology for fanatics. I see where they are coming from and must admit that it is an accurate depiction in many cases. 

I am also led to wonder, alternatively, whether Jesus pop/rock/heavy metal and other attempts of American Christianity to appropriate secular culture hasn't led to a cheapening and misdirection of faith. Whereas Christian faith of old seemed to be oriented away from the secular and materialistic by providing an orientation toward deep, enduring principles, it would seem that Christianity today wants to be part and parcel of the capitalist enterprise.  

Or, maybe it's just that I can't stand Jesus pop. 

Either way, I just don't know. Tell me, where are all the whippersnappers?

Offertory Escapades

So today was my first day taking the offertory (the part of a church service where the congregation grudgingly coughs up some change for the collection plate). In addition, it also marked the first time I had to something other than just stand at the pulpit and talk (with great eloquence). 

Before the service I had talked things over with my advisor and thought I understood the process: 

1) I go and grab the collection plates that are sitting on the altar. 

2) I walk down to the chancel to between the pews  aisle and hand said plates to the ushers. 

3) I then read a "Call to Offertory" which in laypersons' terms means a "plea for cash." 

However, much to my bemusement, as I passed the ushers the bowls, one of them says, "You were supposed to say something" to which I replied with my usual articulateness, "Duuuhhh..." and watched them turn around and start handing out the plates. 

At this point my advisor interceded on my behalf by standing up and shouting, "Wait! He has something to say!" The ushers then regathered the plate which were already halfway down the first pew and returned to the front so I could give my 30 second spiel and then let them go at it again. 

I am happy to report that I was not summarily smitten at any point during the service thereafter so I can only surmise that the Lord took kindly to the "Prayer of Dedication" I read after they returned with the collection plates. 

Lord have mercy.

I Wonder

I have been wondering a lot lately whether McCain's whiteness will triumph in the end over Obama's obviously superior vision, intellect, and charisma. There is a very good chance it may, and what that says about American society is a little disconcerting. I think the following article really captures the essence of this issue. I hope you find it as eye-opening as I did: 

By Tim Wise

For those who still can’t grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because “every family has challenges,” even as black and Latino families with similar “challenges” are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a “fuckin’ redneck,” like Bristol Palin’s boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you'll “kick their fuckin' ass,” and talk about how you like to “shoot shit” for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don’t all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you’re “untested.”


White privilege is being able to say that you support the words “under God” in the pledge of allegiance because “if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it’s good enough for me,” and not be immediately disqualified from holding office--since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the “under God” part wasn’t added until the 1950s--while if you're black and believe in reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school requires it), you're a dangerous and mushy liberal who isn't fit to safeguard American institutions.


White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you.


White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto is “Alaska first,” and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you're black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she’s being disrespectful.


White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and the work they do--like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or an end to child labor--and people think you’re being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college and the fact that she lives near Russia, you’re somehow being mean, or even sexist.


White privilege is being able to convince white women who don’t even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because all of a sudden your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a “second look.”


White privilege is being able to fire people who didn’t support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.


White privilege is when you can take nearly twenty-four hours to get to a hospital after beginning to leak amniotic fluid, and still be viewed as a great mom whose commitment to her children is unquestionable, and whose "next door neighbor" qualities make her ready to be VP, while if you're a black candidate for president and you let your children be interviewed for a few seconds on TV, you're irresponsibly exploiting them.

White privilege is being able to give a 36-minute speech in which you talk about lipstick and make fun of your opponent, while laying out no substantive policy positions on any issue at all, and still manage to be considered a legitimate candidate, while a black person who gives an hour speech the week before, in which he lays out specific policy proposals on several issues, is still criticized for being too vague about what he would do if elected. 

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God’s punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and everyone can still think you’re just a good church-going Christian, but if you’re black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you’re an extremist who probably hates America.


White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a “trick question,” while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O’Reilly means you’re dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.


White privilege is being able to go to a prestigious prep school, then to Yale and Harvard Business School (George W. Bush), and still be seen as an "average guy," while being black, going to a prestigious prep school, then Occidental College, then Columbia, and then Harvard Law, makes you "uppity" and a snob who probably looks down on regular folks. 

White privilege is being able to graduate near the bottom of your college class (McCain), or graduate with a C average from Yale (W.), and that's OK, and you're still cut out to be president, but if you're black and you graduate near the top of your class from Harvard Law, you can't be trusted to make good decisions in office. 

White privilege is being able to dump your first wife after she's disfigured in a car crash so you can take up with a multi-millionaire beauty queen (who you then go on to call the c-word in public) and still be thought of as a man of strong family values, while if you're black and married for nearly 20 years to the same woman, your family is viewed as un-American and your gestures of affection for each other are called "terrorist fist bumps."

White privilege is when you can develop a pain-killer addiction, having obtained your drug of choice illegally like Cindy McCain, go on to beat that addiction, and everyone praises you for being so strong, while being a black guy who smoked pot a few times in college and never became an addict means people will wonder if perhaps you still get high, and even ask whether or not you may have sold drugs at some point. 

White privilege is being able to sing a song about bombing Iran and still be viewed as a sober and rational statesman, with the maturity to be president, while being black and suggesting that the U.S. should speak with other nations, even when we have disagreements with them, makes you dangerously naive and immature.

White privilege is being able to say that you hate "gooks" and "will always hate them," and yet, you aren't a racist because, ya know, you were a POW, so you're entitled to your hatred, while being black and noting that black anger about racism is understandable, given the history of your country, makes you a dangerous bigot. 

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism and an absent father is apparently among the "lesser adversities" faced by other politicians, as Sarah Palin explained in her convention speech.

And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because white voters aren’t sure about that whole “change” thing. Ya know, it’s just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain…


White privilege is, in short, the problem.

Click here for the original text

An Email Anecdote

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there. I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. 

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations. I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!